i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
