nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize