I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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