i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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