Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
