Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
