dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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