Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
