Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
