I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
