i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
