her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
The best revenge is premature balding
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
