I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
