Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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