I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
