8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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