If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
