I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize