Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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