My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize