There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
