put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
