How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
