I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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