Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
