Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
