Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
