turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
