I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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