My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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