my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
