I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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