I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
