i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's not a walk of shame if you run
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
