If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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