but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
