I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
