we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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