True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
