Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's shark week go big or go home
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
