got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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