I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
