i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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