I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
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