All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
