I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
