i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
