had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize