Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
