Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
