i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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