wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Quick, to the slutcave!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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