this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize