How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
