Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Say something about gay babies.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize